{"id":427,"date":"2014-12-28T09:00:32","date_gmt":"2014-12-28T14:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/?p=427"},"modified":"2016-11-09T11:19:12","modified_gmt":"2016-11-09T16:19:12","slug":"what-i-can-hold-in-my-hands","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/?p=427","title":{"rendered":"What I Can Hold in My Hands"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"thinkingofapples\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It\u2019s dark before five and the lights are shining on our little tree. Yesterday I had an urge to bake gifts to give to friends: tiny brown sugar-apple cakes, compact and rich. These I wrapped in waxed paper and tied with a bright bakers\u2019 string. Cheery, satisfying and good; they looked adorable all wrapped and ready to go.\u00a0 Before heading out to visit a friend, I baked off a double batch of cakes and prepped a large amount of granola, also for gifts. I don\u2019t really have time for all this- I\u2019m supposed to be packing and organizing my home, tying up loose ends; paying bills and suspending magazine subscriptions. We\u2019re moving to Rome for the semester and there\u2019s so much to do.<\/p>\n

So what does all this baking bring me at a time like this? I can\u2019t help but wonder where my priorities are. I know that busy hands help me put off doing the things on my list- I\u2019d call it productive procrastination. Busy hands help me manage my feelings; and busy hands are also a way of remembering.<\/p>\n

These apple cakes are filled with memories. About ten years ago I created the recipe for a magazine story<\/a>, which featured a gifted ceramicist and her stylish husband. Our team from Martha Stewart Living brought a van and two cars filled with food and props from the city to the country, where we laid them out and spun a story out of pictures. In their kitchen I cooked mushroom and pumpkin soup, and spread artisanal cheese on wholesome bread. Then I checked with the photographer before darting out to the bathroom, where I unpacked my plastic breast pump and anxiously listened to the voices of my co-workers on the other side of the door while the pump did its work, extracting the nourishing milk from each breast. I would bring it home in little bottles for my first baby, Lucian. No matter that I had been away from him for two days. This mundane activity gave me a sense of purpose and allayed my guilt; if I could produce milk for my son while I made this beautiful meal for the ceramicist and her husband, I was still a virtuous mother.<\/p>\n

The baby is gone, and now so is the child- taken much too soon. The hole that remains is so large. Can I fill it with my boundless love for the one who\u2019s left behind – little Theo? Not completely. So here, in this new landscape of mourning, I take what I know and turn it into these warm cakes; lightly fragrant with cinnamon and nutmeg and filled with warm apple slices. This is one way I can feel sure-footed while the ground underneath me shifts and I see the tilt of the planet as if from above. I can hold these in my hands before I give them away- they are nourishing and good.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Small<\/a>

Small enough to hold in my hands<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s dark before five and the lights are shining on our little tree. Yesterday I had an urge to bake gifts to give to friends: tiny brown sugar-apple cakes, compact and rich. These I wrapped in waxed paper and tied … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[5,7],"tags":[217,62,64,69,59,68,70,25,71,106,65,61,74,223,66,193,17,63,72,224,73,67,60,116],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5ICYG-6T","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/427"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=427"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/427\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=427"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=427"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annakovel.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=427"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}